Living in the city

I have two families. One family I was born into and consists of cousins, my brother, and extended family. My second family is intentional – the people that have come into my life, never left, and with whom I have a strong connection. I have members from both families in Chicago. The decision to come home was fueled by my desire to be with them. I’m reaping huge benefits from being in proximity to them. Don’t misunderstand me – I was connected with my brother and my extended family in Seattle – when I was there, which usually was for a few weeks once or twice a year. Being here full-time in Chicago enables me to be with other family I love. Even phone calls seem different knowing that my family member is just a few miles away.

Cousins: I grew up with a trio of cousins in my life. Cousins are the sweet spot of relatives. I saw them on major holidays, at family parties and barbecues, on birthdays, and maybe a few other occasions. They didn’t have to live with me, I usually got along with them, and I had fun. I looked up to them, as well as my older brother. And because I was the youngest, I sometimes felt intimidated by my cousins. I remember a time I was so shy I hid in my grandmother’s apartment during a family gathering. My mother found me and said, “play with your cousins.” She took me by the arm and put me in the bedroom where they were hanging out. One of my cousins waved me to her and brushed my hair. Then we played school and I was the student. I was never shy with them after that. Cousins leave me with dream-like memories of good times.

I came from a volatile family. Inexplicably, my parents had a falling out with everyone else in our family and cut them off. Because of that, I lost touch with my brother, cousins, and everyone else. As I got older, I realized I missed those connections I had as a kid. I sought out these people. I found them – the three sibling cousins and my brother. Now, I’m mindful when I’m with them. One of the three cousins has passed away and I remember vividly the last time I was with him. It was in Wisconsin at a lake house and all three cousins were there with kids, grandkids, and spouses. I was camp-hosting nearby and came to visit. We had a wonderful time. I was devastated when he passed, but I have that wonderful memory and many more since reconnecting with my cousins.

Finding and reestablishing with my brother is a whole other story but a similar happy ending. I’m so grateful to know him, my sister-in-law, their kids, and grandkids. Every moment with them is precious.

A few weeks ago the family in Chicago celebrated the life of one of my second cousins who passed away. She lived a great life well into her 80s. The entire extended family went on a chartered boat to send her ashes out to Lake Michigan as she requested. My first cousin that lives here organized the event and led us on the journey with her children, their children, spouses, and in-laws. It was a great family affair. It was hauntingly familiar. I was welcomed, loved, and included. Extended family members I didn’t know and had never met embraced me for no other reason than I am family. This is family as I remember it when I was a kid.

Intentional Family: My intentional family is incredibly important to me. Some people might call them best friends. But they are so much more than that for me. It’s easy to make friends as a kid. It’s much harder to sustain those friendships into adulthood. One of my friends I met when I was three. We have sustained our friendship through all the changes we experienced as adults. We’ve seen it all together, even though we lived in different places most of that time. People often don’t start enduring connections with adult friends. I found common interests and outlooks, and a willingness to be vulnerable with two of my friends I met in midlife. Suddenly, I couldn’t imagine not being their friend. These three friends make up my intentional family. They bring me joy and peace whenever I am with them and even when I’m not. These friends virtually followed my road trip for five years, checking in with me when I got to new locations. It was their way to love and care about me. These three also organized a surprise online zoom celebration when I published my first novel. That’s why I work hard to keep our friendships going. I am grateful every day for them. They make my life full.

Being a nomad: The intentional decision to be a nomad had its drawbacks, as anything in life does. You can read about my adventures in previous posts. A specific consequence of my decision was having limited interactions with my families. I tried to pass through where they lived once a year. Sometimes they might visit where I was, but that rarely happened. Living without the people I love while on the road took a toll. Sometimes I felt completely disconnected and felt like I was wandering aimlessly around the country. Other times, I knew my families were supportive of my adventure and they had my back. It was a constant emotional push and pull. I went on my traveling journey to find the missing pieces of who I am. In that distance from family I realized how much I want to be connected. Most importantly, I discovered I am worthy to have it. I had to learn that for myself.

Having the opportunity to connect with family is amazing and fulfilling. Because I know I’m worthy of connection, I feel whole. I felt that as I left my family in Seattle and I feel it here in Chicago. Being with my family members lifts my spirits in ways that I had forgotten or maybe never fully realized.

I didn’t have to be a nomad to discover myself, but the scenery sure was great! This is one of my favorite stops in North Dakota. I remember the first time I was able to really see the stars at night. I was somewhere like this, far from any city lights. Instead of feeling insignificant and alone, I felt connected and part of something much bigger than I could imagine. That’s what having connections with family is like for me. Being mindful of families, the one I was born into and my intentional family is important to my balanced life that works. I practice mindfulness, keep in touch, and remind myself to be grateful for the life I’ve built for myself and all the people in it.

Path to Finding Myself I established a self-inquiry routine. Every morning I meditate, set an intention for the day, and update my gratitude list. Usually I journal my thoughts in the morning and get straight in my head for the day. It has made an incredible difference for me. I can’t imagine my first sip of coffee without this practice. I hope you’ll try a daily ritual. Putting a few minutes of focus on who you are and who you want to be will be richly rewarded in time.